i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
