How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Congratulations! We have a period
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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