time to smoke my breakfast
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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