I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
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