you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
