I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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