The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
