I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
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One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.