There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen