I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
