Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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