drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
