I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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