hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
