I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
