I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
