I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
