Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
