Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
