it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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