I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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