At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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