i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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