so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well I just put wine in my tea
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My bed smells like the plague
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