Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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