if i can run in heels then i can drive
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she peed on how many people?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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