I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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