you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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