my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
MIDGETS
????
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
