Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
