watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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