First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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