Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
