The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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