my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
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