So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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