She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
