Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We left the knife in your bed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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