trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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