I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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