Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
