How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize