I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
