I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
