I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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