no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
