My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
