this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish life had little blips of pornography
zippers are such a cool invention
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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