he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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