I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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