Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
