oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
