It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
