Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
