I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
