I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
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As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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