I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
