Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
