Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
