i was born a porn star she said
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
