I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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