So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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